The Fresh Smell of Ogre

My most recent piece for In Touch magazine (the as-yet-unpublished January ’10 issue). It’s for an article about dealing with a moody teenage child.

All images are copyrighted by In Touch Ministries.

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It’s Official… I’ve warped ’em both!

I’m in the middle of giving my three-year-old her bath, talking about how close it is to Christmas Eve. She, of course, is getting VERY excited. They made “reindeer food” at her preschool, and she asked me if we could go sprinkle it in the yard after she gets out of the bath.

“No, sweetheart,” I say to her, “if we put it out now, it’ll get eaten by other animals.”

“Like what?” she asks.

“Well, like squirrels and birds.”

“And bathtubs?”

“Bathtubs? You think the bathtub is going to eat the reindeer food?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Do bathtubs eat anything else besides reindeer food?” I ask, my curiosity piqued.

“No”, she answers, a look of complete seriousness on her face.” But they eat LOTS of it!”

Big Baby

Okay, for all my copy editor friends and grammarians out there, I have a question. Would the proper form be:

1. “Wow, that’s a freakin’ big ol’ danged baby!” or

2. “Wow, that’s a big ol’ freakin’ danged baby!” or

3. “Wow, that’s a freakin’ danged big ol’ baby!”?

I need to know, in case I ever do actually encounter a gargantuan drooling naked infant and need to properly express my amazement. Because I feel that, even in times of great mental stress, it is important to adhere to the rules of grammar.